Christmas Prayer

Dear God,

I know it has been a long time since we have really talked. It isn't that I've abandoned you; I was just so angry that I needed a break. I still don't understand why so many bad things have happened to me recently. I know you must have a plan for me, but quite frankly, I can't seem to figure out what it is. If you are listening, I have a few requests. I know the "Baby Loss Mamas" can't cut in the baby line, but is it too much to ask that when they do get a BFP, they get to carry their Rainbow to term? It just seems so unfair to suffer another loss after such a heartbreaking ordeal. I also want to send a special request for those who have been trying to conceive for a year or longer--- please let them cut in line. Really. I don't mind giving up my spot if that's what it takes.


I was kind of hoping for my Christmas miracle, but while I really do want to be pregnant, I understand if you want other things to be right in my life first. So--- instead of a baby for Christmas, could you give me peace? I hurt so much. Please God, take away this pain.

Sad and Frustrated

I'm so freakin' sad right now. I was going to wait to take a pregnancy test, but I broke down and took one yesterday. It was a Big Fat Negative. My temps also dropped yesterday. I tried to tell myself that the temp thing was probably due to sleep issues, but it was low again today. Aunt Flo hasn't come for a visit yet, but I am trying to prepare myself mentally for her arrival. Also, my mom passed away six years ago today. I miss her terribly. The combination of missing her and the stress of trying to conceive is almost too much.
I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant again. Last year I got pregnant ON THE PILL. Then after that miscarriage, I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. After that miscarriage I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. Do you see the pattern? I was so damn fertile--- now I'm just frustrated. The longer we try to conceive, the harder it is to stay positive.

Trying to Conceive is Driving Me Crazy!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to report. I decided to chart my temps this cycle. I thought it would help me to be sure when I ovulated. Turns out it caused more confusion. As of yesterday, Fertility Friend still hadn't recorded an ovulation date even though I got a positive on the ovulation predictor kit last Tuesday. I was convinced that I had an anovulatory cycle. I even consulted my good friend Taking Charge of Your Fertility for possible causes. Since stress is a common cause, it kind of made sense. I live and breathe stress--- high strung would be a complete understatement. Well, my temps have been very inconsistent because I was taking them at 7:15 (when my alarm went off). Then Micah started waking up around 6:00, so I've taken them anywhere from 6:00 to 8:00. When I entered my info. from today into Fertility Friend, they estimated my ovulation day to be last Wednesday. The good news is that only gives me one week to wait! I'm thinking about taking a pregnancy test on December 8th. That date actually marks the six year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm hoping for a "Big Fat Positive," but I am not sure how I would handle getting a "Big Fat Negative" on a day that will be emotionally draining anyway. I still have a week to think about it.

A Mother's Love Never Ends

This post is a little off topic, but this seems to be the best place to share. I finally had some alone time today, and I decided to spend it cleaning. Crazy, I know, but sometimes cleaning soothes me. Well, I was flipping through CDs looking for something to groove to, and I came across a CD I made right after my mom passed away. I hadn't listened to it in years--- definitely not since I had Micah. It is a CD with some of her favorite songs and songs that just make me think of her. Anyway, as I was listening to her favorite songs, I realized how strong a mother's love is. I don't think I really understood how much my mom loved me until I had my son. It hit me so hard that I had to actually sit down and let myself cry. Even though we would like another child, I am so grateful I have Micah. For those of you out there who have not had the blessing of a living child, it is my hope and prayer that your baby wishes come true. It truly is a love like no other.

Control Freak

I am on cycle day 12. I decided to start charting my temps again this cycle so I at least will know for sure when I ovulate. Unfortunately, Sam hits snooze a million times in the morning and I think it is interfering with getting accurate temp readings. I decided not to go with the acupuncture thing this cycle because 1. I am afraid of needles and 2. I heard you have to go regularly to really benefit and I am just not willing to spend a lot of money on something like that yet. I am using the OPK again this cycle. I like that it gives me something to do in between Aunt Flo and the two week wait. I need to feel like I have some control since the part that really sucks while TTC is the loss of control. I will admit I am a control freak and a planner, and I really hate that I have no idea when or if I will conceive.

And So the Cycle Continues

The two week wait is over, but not in the way I would have liked. Aunt Flo paid me a visit today. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to approach this cycle. There's so much information out there that I am trying to process everything without going overboard. I am reminded of high school science class when the teacher explains how important it is to only have one independent variable. I guess that's the problem right now--- there just seem to be so many variables in trying to conceive. I started baby aspirin to hopefully ward off any clots until I am able to see the doctor to start my heparin shots. Then I read that aspirin may interfere with conception. To take aspirin or not to take aspirin, that is one of the many questions. Then there's the whole charting thing. It drove me crazy when I was trying to conceive with my son, but I'm considering starting it again just to make sure the ovulation predictor kits are working right. I'm trying not to stress or obsess too much about the whole thing, but it is hard when you want something this bad.

The Grueling Two Week Wait

In general, I am not a patient person. My son is able to bring out patience in me. When he was an infant, he cried constantly, but I didn't care. When he was one, I was still getting up two or three times a night to nurse him. Now that he's a toddler, he pushes the limits constantly, yet I don't mind. So when it comes to my son, I am extremely patient. When it comes to trying to conceive, I am not. The process of waiting is absolutely unbearable for me. I am usually fine up until the "two week wait" as those of us trying to conceive affectionately call the time between ovulation and when we expect aunt flo. I am in the last few days of my two week wait. A week ago, I could have sworn I was experiencing pregnancy symptoms. I have taken three pregnancy tests since then (don't worry, they were all from the dollar store so I'm only out 3 bucks at this point). Each one was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. I am planning take another one in the morning. I am nervous because I should technically wait until Saturday. I am so scared of losing another baby that I feel compelled to test on a Friday when I can go in to see the doctor if by some miracle I get a big fat positive. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my waiting is almost over.

I'm Just Being Honest

It has been an emotional week for me. We went to a memorial service at the hospital where I delivered Madelyn last Sunday. At the service, we were asked to say some gift that our babies gave us--- something that we are thankful for. If I am being honest with myself, I have to say there isn't one. I could say that I appreciate my son more, but I would still love and care for him even if I hadn't gone through her loss. Sam says at least we know about my conditions, but I would rather have my baby girl and so would he. Is it really fair to ask me to be thankful for something so horrible? Each and every day, I feel forced to look on the bright side. I was kind of hoping for one hour of my life where I could just feel sorry for myself.

Trying to Move On

There was a baby dedication at church today. I cried. I tried not to, but I still cried. It isn't that I'm jealous. I really am happy for people who have healthy babies. It's just that every time I see a baby, I'm reminded of the baby I don't have. I know it is suppose to get easier. I know at some point I need to move on, but for some reason, I just can't.

A Day of Remembrance

When I came home from work tonight, I helped tuck Micah into bed. After Micah was all set, Sam and I gathered the few items we had that reminded us of Madelyn--- the ultrasound picture of her scratching her nose, the bracelet with her name that someone at the hospital made for us, and a rose from the flowers we bought for her grave. We set the CD player to play Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson and then lit her candle. Sam held me. I cried. No words were spoken. Usually memorials are about remembering, but for us it was about what will never be. We will never hear her cry, feel her breath, watch her first step, or hear her first word. We'll never send her off to kindergarten, celebrate her graduation, or see her walk down the aisle. Today we grieve for all the moments that will never be.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Tomorrow is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is a day that those of us who have suffered loss can share our grief.

"Whereas each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn baby; Whereas it is a great tragedy to lose the life of a child; Whereas babies sometimes live within or outside their mothers’ wombs for only a short period of time; Whereas even the shortest lives are still valuable, and the grief of those who mourn the loss of these lives should not be trivialized; Whereas Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day would enable the people of the United States to consider how, as individuals and communities, they can meet the needs of bereaved mothers, fathers, and family members,and work to prevent the causes of these deaths."
http://ftp.resource.org/gpo.gov/bills/109/hc222ih.txt.pdf

We will remember Madelyn Mae by lighting a candle at 9:00 pm.

Getting Answers

My doctor had ordered a series of test while I was in the hospital. I think they took at least 12 tubes of blood from me. Quite honestly, I didn't think I would have any answers. I had been doing some online searching of causes of miscarriage and I was reading the book To Full Term by Darci Klein, so I was familiar with medical terms and different diagnosis going into my postpartum appointment. I was nervous. To be honest, there wasn't any good news. There was no news, bad news and worse news. I was hoping for bad news. I found out that I have two different disorders: MTHFR mutation and a prothrombin mutation. I still haven't quite figured out the significance of the MTHFR, but the prothrombin mutation is a clotting disorder. A blood clot had formed and caused placental abruption. The good news is that going on a daily shot of heparin during pregnancy should keep me from miscarrying again. Even though I have answers, I still worry. It will never be like it was with Micah when it didn't even occur to me that something could go wrong. Once you've lost three babies, you can never go back.

The Funeral

We chose to have a private graveside service for just Sam and me. As we pulled up to the cemetary, Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson was playing on the radio.

"Loved ones she left behind just trying to survive and understand the why. Feeling so lost inside. Anger shot straight at God. Then asking for His love. Empty with disbelief. Just hoping that maybe---She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels by the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees. And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting. And I know she's smiling saying don't worry 'bout me."

It was so strange to say good-bye to someone we never had a chance to know.

Labor and Delivery

Four days after we found out we were having a girl, I started spotting. I called the emergency doctor on call and was assured that spotting was normal. I couldn't sleep that night. Even if spotting was normal, I needed peace of mind. I went in for an emergency doctor's appointment. I knew something was wrong right away because the nurse couldn't find Madelyn's heartbeat. By the time the doctor came in to do the ultrasound, I was a wreck. I anxiously watched the screen for the heartbeat but there wasn't one. I knew even before the doctor told me, that I had lost my baby. I kept repeating "I just don't understand." The doctor told me the only thing I had to understand was that my baby didn't have a heartbeat.
I managed to drive home to meet my husband. We had to take our son and dog to his parent's house before going to the hospital for labor and delivery. It was like I was walking in a dream. I was waiting for someone to wake me up from my nightmare, but no one ever did. The staff at the hospital was super supportive. We had everyone from nurses to the chaplain to a social worker visit me. I requested an epidural early because I didn't want to feel any pain. Unfortunately between the epidural and the two doses of Nubain, I was knocked out. I delivered my baby girl in my sleep and didn't realize it until the nurse came in to give me a catheter. I was mortified. At first, I was hesitant to look at her. I wasn't sure what I would see, but eventually we held our baby girl. She fit in the palm of my hand. We had a naming ceremony in the hospital and scheduled a private graveside service for the next day.

Madelyn Mae, Our Third Loss--- April 2009

I was ecstatic to find out I was pregnant again in January. I was just sure that this time everything would be okay. Since I had already had one "successful" pregnancy, my doctor was confident that my first two losses were just "bad luck." I was more guarded this time. While I wanted people to be able to share in my joy, I also realized that these same people would be forced to share in my pain if I had another miscarriage. I only told a few people and I swore them to secrecy. At eight weeks, I nervously went in for my first ultrasound. Sam held my hand the whole time. Without saying it, we knew we had been preparing for the worst. Then we saw the baby, and the doctor didn't have to tell me everything was okay because I could see her heartbeat! A weight was lifted. I had a 95 % chance of carrying the baby to term. I wanted to wait to tell people, but Sam had already told his co-workers. I decided to share my news as well. At 12 weeks I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time. We were finally out of the first trimester, but I was still guarded. At 18 weeks we found out we were having a girl! The doctor said she had passed her first physical with flying colors. For the first time, I let my guard down. We picked out the name Madelyn Mae and we announced our good news to the world. I even started window shopping for pink stuff. I couldn't help but walk down the newborn aisle and picture Madelyn wearing the little sleepers. I hadn't been that happy since the first time I held Micah.

The Second Loss--- October 2008

By October I was pregnant again. I couldn't believe my luck! I thankfully decided not to tell anyone about this pregnancy until after our first ultrasound. We never made it to the ultrasound. In fact, we never even made it to the first doctor's appointment. Three days after my positive pregnancy test, I lost the baby. I was only five weeks along and at work when it happened. I hadn't even had time to get used to being pregnant. Sam thought I may have been better off had I not known, but deep down, even without the pregnancy test, I think I still would have known.

My First Loss---- August 2008

After trying for so long with Micah, I did not expect to get pregnant easily with my next child. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant while taking the pill! While it was a little sooner than we had planned, we were excited. We didn't think anything of announcing our good news to anyone and everyone. We even received gifts for our new baby from family. Gifts that are still hanging in the closet waiting. It wasn't until our first ultrasound that I realized something may go wrong. By my calculations I should have been 9 weeks, but I was only measuring 6 weeks. The baby didn't have a heartbeat, but my doctor assured me that it just may be too soon to see it. We scheduled a follow-up ultrasound for the next week. Five days later I started spotting. When I went in for an emergency appointment, the doctor said I was probably miscarrying, but I would have to wait until my ultrasound to be sure. By the time I had the ultrasound two days later, I had already lost the baby. Because the miscarriage was "incomplete" I had a D&C. Even though we weren't trying to conceive, the loss left a hole.

Micah---- Our Miracle Baby

I always thought trying to get pregnant meant going off the pill. After all, most people I knew either "weren't really trying" or not trying at all when they got pregnant. When Sam and I got married in 2004, we weren't actually "trying" but we weren't "not trying" either. A year went by and I was honestly surprised I wasn't pregnant yet. Once I realized the baby thing wasn't as easy as it seemed, I started to research online and read books. I was introduced to the world of infertility complete with basal temperature readings and charts. I started tracking my temperature and tried to time the baby dance perfectly. Still no baby; in fact, I was was so heart broken that I started an antidepressant. We started seeing an infertility doctor who scheduled a lot of tests. Sam was fine. My blood work indicated I was ovulating. I didn't have a thyroid disorder. I had the HSG test and my "pipes" were open. I fell into the large group of women with unexplained infertility. Our next step was to have an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination), but once I realized how intense it was, I decided I needed a break from baby making. Four months later I was pregnant. We were so surprised to get a positive pregnancy test that I took three of them! We went on to have a healthy baby boy in February of 2007.

Introduction

Motherhood has not been an easy journey for me. I struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years and then went on to have a healthy baby boy in 2007. Since then, I have had three miscarriages. My last loss was at 18 weeks--- five days after we had the a perfect ultrasound and found out we were having a baby girl. Even though people are more open to talking about miscarriage than they once were, I have still found it to be awkward to be completely honest. My last loss was in April, yet I am still grieving and trying to heal. I think most people expect me to be "over it," but I'm not. We are currently "trying" again, which can be a painful process. I created this blog as therapy to help me deal with my pregnancy losses and to help others who may be going through the same thing.