Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Prayer

Dear God,

I know it has been a long time since we have really talked. It isn't that I've abandoned you; I was just so angry that I needed a break. I still don't understand why so many bad things have happened to me recently. I know you must have a plan for me, but quite frankly, I can't seem to figure out what it is. If you are listening, I have a few requests. I know the "Baby Loss Mamas" can't cut in the baby line, but is it too much to ask that when they do get a BFP, they get to carry their Rainbow to term? It just seems so unfair to suffer another loss after such a heartbreaking ordeal. I also want to send a special request for those who have been trying to conceive for a year or longer--- please let them cut in line. Really. I don't mind giving up my spot if that's what it takes.

I was kind of hoping for my Christmas miracle, but while I really do want to be pregnant, I understand if you want other things to be right in my life first. So--- instead of a baby for Christmas, could you give me peace? I hurt so much. Please God, take away this pain.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sad and Frustrated

I'm so freakin' sad right now. I was going to wait to take a pregnancy test, but I broke down and took one yesterday. It was a Big Fat Negative. My temps also dropped yesterday. I tried to tell myself that the temp thing was probably due to sleep issues, but it was low again today. Aunt Flo hasn't come for a visit yet, but I am trying to prepare myself mentally for her arrival. Also, my mom passed away six years ago today. I miss her terribly. The combination of missing her and the stress of trying to conceive is almost too much.
I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant again. Last year I got pregnant ON THE PILL. Then after that miscarriage, I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. After that miscarriage I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. Do you see the pattern? I was so damn fertile--- now I'm just frustrated. The longer we try to conceive, the harder it is to stay positive.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Trying to Conceive is Driving Me Crazy!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to report. I decided to chart my temps this cycle. I thought it would help me to be sure when I ovulated. Turns out it caused more confusion. As of yesterday, Fertility Friend still hadn't recorded an ovulation date even though I got a positive on the ovulation predictor kit last Tuesday. I was convinced that I had an anovulatory cycle. I even consulted my good friend Taking Charge of Your Fertility for possible causes. Since stress is a common cause, it kind of made sense. I live and breathe stress--- high strung would be a complete understatement. Well, my temps have been very inconsistent because I was taking them at 7:15 (when my alarm went off). Then Micah started waking up around 6:00, so I've taken them anywhere from 6:00 to 8:00. When I entered my info. from today into Fertility Friend, they estimated my ovulation day to be last Wednesday. The good news is that only gives me one week to wait! I'm thinking about taking a pregnancy test on December 8th. That date actually marks the six year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm hoping for a "Big Fat Positive," but I am not sure how I would handle getting a "Big Fat Negative" on a day that will be emotionally draining anyway. I still have a week to think about it.