A Baby Brother or Sister for Micah

We started off the new year watching a bowl game at a friend's house. One of our friends has a beautiful eight month old baby girl. I watched my son as he snuggled up to her, and my heart melted. When she cried, he offered her his precious night-night. He has been constantly talking about babies, so I asked him if he wanted a little brother or sister and he said "yes please." I know he will make a great big brother. I hope that sometime soon, his wish and my wish will come true.

Christmas Prayer

Dear God,

I know it has been a long time since we have really talked. It isn't that I've abandoned you; I was just so angry that I needed a break. I still don't understand why so many bad things have happened to me recently. I know you must have a plan for me, but quite frankly, I can't seem to figure out what it is. If you are listening, I have a few requests. I know the "Baby Loss Mamas" can't cut in the baby line, but is it too much to ask that when they do get a BFP, they get to carry their Rainbow to term? It just seems so unfair to suffer another loss after such a heartbreaking ordeal. I also want to send a special request for those who have been trying to conceive for a year or longer--- please let them cut in line. Really. I don't mind giving up my spot if that's what it takes.


I was kind of hoping for my Christmas miracle, but while I really do want to be pregnant, I understand if you want other things to be right in my life first. So--- instead of a baby for Christmas, could you give me peace? I hurt so much. Please God, take away this pain.

Sad and Frustrated

I'm so freakin' sad right now. I was going to wait to take a pregnancy test, but I broke down and took one yesterday. It was a Big Fat Negative. My temps also dropped yesterday. I tried to tell myself that the temp thing was probably due to sleep issues, but it was low again today. Aunt Flo hasn't come for a visit yet, but I am trying to prepare myself mentally for her arrival. Also, my mom passed away six years ago today. I miss her terribly. The combination of missing her and the stress of trying to conceive is almost too much.
I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant again. Last year I got pregnant ON THE PILL. Then after that miscarriage, I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. After that miscarriage I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. Do you see the pattern? I was so damn fertile--- now I'm just frustrated. The longer we try to conceive, the harder it is to stay positive.

Trying to Conceive is Driving Me Crazy!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to report. I decided to chart my temps this cycle. I thought it would help me to be sure when I ovulated. Turns out it caused more confusion. As of yesterday, Fertility Friend still hadn't recorded an ovulation date even though I got a positive on the ovulation predictor kit last Tuesday. I was convinced that I had an anovulatory cycle. I even consulted my good friend Taking Charge of Your Fertility for possible causes. Since stress is a common cause, it kind of made sense. I live and breathe stress--- high strung would be a complete understatement. Well, my temps have been very inconsistent because I was taking them at 7:15 (when my alarm went off). Then Micah started waking up around 6:00, so I've taken them anywhere from 6:00 to 8:00. When I entered my info. from today into Fertility Friend, they estimated my ovulation day to be last Wednesday. The good news is that only gives me one week to wait! I'm thinking about taking a pregnancy test on December 8th. That date actually marks the six year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm hoping for a "Big Fat Positive," but I am not sure how I would handle getting a "Big Fat Negative" on a day that will be emotionally draining anyway. I still have a week to think about it.

A Mother's Love Never Ends

This post is a little off topic, but this seems to be the best place to share. I finally had some alone time today, and I decided to spend it cleaning. Crazy, I know, but sometimes cleaning soothes me. Well, I was flipping through CDs looking for something to groove to, and I came across a CD I made right after my mom passed away. I hadn't listened to it in years--- definitely not since I had Micah. It is a CD with some of her favorite songs and songs that just make me think of her. Anyway, as I was listening to her favorite songs, I realized how strong a mother's love is. I don't think I really understood how much my mom loved me until I had my son. It hit me so hard that I had to actually sit down and let myself cry. Even though we would like another child, I am so grateful I have Micah. For those of you out there who have not had the blessing of a living child, it is my hope and prayer that your baby wishes come true. It truly is a love like no other.

Control Freak

I am on cycle day 12. I decided to start charting my temps again this cycle so I at least will know for sure when I ovulate. Unfortunately, Sam hits snooze a million times in the morning and I think it is interfering with getting accurate temp readings. I decided not to go with the acupuncture thing this cycle because 1. I am afraid of needles and 2. I heard you have to go regularly to really benefit and I am just not willing to spend a lot of money on something like that yet. I am using the OPK again this cycle. I like that it gives me something to do in between Aunt Flo and the two week wait. I need to feel like I have some control since the part that really sucks while TTC is the loss of control. I will admit I am a control freak and a planner, and I really hate that I have no idea when or if I will conceive.

And So the Cycle Continues

The two week wait is over, but not in the way I would have liked. Aunt Flo paid me a visit today. I'm still trying to figure out the best way to approach this cycle. There's so much information out there that I am trying to process everything without going overboard. I am reminded of high school science class when the teacher explains how important it is to only have one independent variable. I guess that's the problem right now--- there just seem to be so many variables in trying to conceive. I started baby aspirin to hopefully ward off any clots until I am able to see the doctor to start my heparin shots. Then I read that aspirin may interfere with conception. To take aspirin or not to take aspirin, that is one of the many questions. Then there's the whole charting thing. It drove me crazy when I was trying to conceive with my son, but I'm considering starting it again just to make sure the ovulation predictor kits are working right. I'm trying not to stress or obsess too much about the whole thing, but it is hard when you want something this bad.