Friday, April 30, 2010


It has been a while since I've written. I started this blog as a way to heal and tell my story. I continued to write because I think trying to conceive is hard, but trying to conceive after a loss is harder. I stopped writing because I found that I was obsessing too much on conceiving. It was almost like I needed to conceive so I wouldn't miss Madelyn so much. Now I realize that I will always miss my baby girl. I will always wonder what if. Today is her one year angelversay. In some ways I can't believe a year has past, but on the other hand, I can barely remember what it felt like to be pregnant with her. While it has gotten easier, I still hurt. We have stopped "trying" for right now. I am focusing on Micah and school. Maybe I'll get pregnant again--- maybe I won't. Either way, I will always have a spot reserved in my heart for Madelyn. I miss you baby girl.

Friday, January 29, 2010


I finally decided to go to an acupuncturist. I’ve been depressed and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I contemplated going back on an antidepressant, but when I weighed the benefits against, the risks, I decided to try this first. I’ve now been two times. While I can’t say my depression is completely better, I can say I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. She really helped me put things in perspective. She pointed out that there is no physical pressure for me to be pregnant right now. The pressure of NOW that I feel is internal. She was also very positive. She said that she is convinced that I can and will have another baby, but it just might not be right now. A few weeks ago, the message at church was also on waiting. I think God has been speaking to me, and His message is finally starting to take hold. The great news is I don’t feel as anxious as I did. I haven’t been charting or using ovulation predictor kits; in fact, I don’t think I am going to using either for a while. I’m still keeping track of things, but I am trying not to obsess. I can’t tell you how huge this is for a control freak. I have been really proud of myself.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

A Baby Brother or Sister for Micah

We started off the new year watching a bowl game at a friend's house. One of our friends has a beautiful eight month old baby girl. I watched my son as he snuggled up to her, and my heart melted. When she cried, he offered her his precious night-night. He has been constantly talking about babies, so I asked him if he wanted a little brother or sister and he said "yes please." I know he will make a great big brother. I hope that sometime soon, his wish and my wish will come true.