Labor and Delivery

Four days after we found out we were having a girl, I started spotting. I called the emergency doctor on call and was assured that spotting was normal. I couldn't sleep that night. Even if spotting was normal, I needed peace of mind. I went in for an emergency doctor's appointment. I knew something was wrong right away because the nurse couldn't find Madelyn's heartbeat. By the time the doctor came in to do the ultrasound, I was a wreck. I anxiously watched the screen for the heartbeat but there wasn't one. I knew even before the doctor told me, that I had lost my baby. I kept repeating "I just don't understand." The doctor told me the only thing I had to understand was that my baby didn't have a heartbeat.
I managed to drive home to meet my husband. We had to take our son and dog to his parent's house before going to the hospital for labor and delivery. It was like I was walking in a dream. I was waiting for someone to wake me up from my nightmare, but no one ever did. The staff at the hospital was super supportive. We had everyone from nurses to the chaplain to a social worker visit me. I requested an epidural early because I didn't want to feel any pain. Unfortunately between the epidural and the two doses of Nubain, I was knocked out. I delivered my baby girl in my sleep and didn't realize it until the nurse came in to give me a catheter. I was mortified. At first, I was hesitant to look at her. I wasn't sure what I would see, but eventually we held our baby girl. She fit in the palm of my hand. We had a naming ceremony in the hospital and scheduled a private graveside service for the next day.