Angelversary

It has been a while since I've written. I started this blog as a way to heal and tell my story. I continued to write because I think trying to conceive is hard, but trying to conceive after a loss is harder. I stopped writing because I found that I was obsessing too much on conceiving. It was almost like I needed to conceive so I wouldn't miss Madelyn so much. Now I realize that I will always miss my baby girl. I will always wonder what if. Today is her one year angelversay. In some ways I can't believe a year has past, but on the other hand, I can barely remember what it felt like to be pregnant with her. While it has gotten easier, I still hurt. We have stopped "trying" for right now. I am focusing on Micah and school. Maybe I'll get pregnant again--- maybe I won't. Either way, I will always have a spot reserved in my heart for Madelyn. I miss you baby girl.

Acupuncture

I finally decided to go to an acupuncturist. I’ve been depressed and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I contemplated going back on an antidepressant, but when I weighed the benefits against, the risks, I decided to try this first. I’ve now been two times. While I can’t say my depression is completely better, I can say I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. She really helped me put things in perspective. She pointed out that there is no physical pressure for me to be pregnant right now. The pressure of NOW that I feel is internal. She was also very positive. She said that she is convinced that I can and will have another baby, but it just might not be right now. A few weeks ago, the message at church was also on waiting. I think God has been speaking to me, and His message is finally starting to take hold. The great news is I don’t feel as anxious as I did. I haven’t been charting or using ovulation predictor kits; in fact, I don’t think I am going to using either for a while. I’m still keeping track of things, but I am trying not to obsess. I can’t tell you how huge this is for a control freak. I have been really proud of myself.

A Baby Brother or Sister for Micah

We started off the new year watching a bowl game at a friend's house. One of our friends has a beautiful eight month old baby girl. I watched my son as he snuggled up to her, and my heart melted. When she cried, he offered her his precious night-night. He has been constantly talking about babies, so I asked him if he wanted a little brother or sister and he said "yes please." I know he will make a great big brother. I hope that sometime soon, his wish and my wish will come true.

Christmas Prayer

Dear God,

I know it has been a long time since we have really talked. It isn't that I've abandoned you; I was just so angry that I needed a break. I still don't understand why so many bad things have happened to me recently. I know you must have a plan for me, but quite frankly, I can't seem to figure out what it is. If you are listening, I have a few requests. I know the "Baby Loss Mamas" can't cut in the baby line, but is it too much to ask that when they do get a BFP, they get to carry their Rainbow to term? It just seems so unfair to suffer another loss after such a heartbreaking ordeal. I also want to send a special request for those who have been trying to conceive for a year or longer--- please let them cut in line. Really. I don't mind giving up my spot if that's what it takes.


I was kind of hoping for my Christmas miracle, but while I really do want to be pregnant, I understand if you want other things to be right in my life first. So--- instead of a baby for Christmas, could you give me peace? I hurt so much. Please God, take away this pain.

Sad and Frustrated

I'm so freakin' sad right now. I was going to wait to take a pregnancy test, but I broke down and took one yesterday. It was a Big Fat Negative. My temps also dropped yesterday. I tried to tell myself that the temp thing was probably due to sleep issues, but it was low again today. Aunt Flo hasn't come for a visit yet, but I am trying to prepare myself mentally for her arrival. Also, my mom passed away six years ago today. I miss her terribly. The combination of missing her and the stress of trying to conceive is almost too much.
I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant again. Last year I got pregnant ON THE PILL. Then after that miscarriage, I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. After that miscarriage I had one cycle and then got pregnant again. Do you see the pattern? I was so damn fertile--- now I'm just frustrated. The longer we try to conceive, the harder it is to stay positive.

Trying to Conceive is Driving Me Crazy!

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but there really hasn't been much to report. I decided to chart my temps this cycle. I thought it would help me to be sure when I ovulated. Turns out it caused more confusion. As of yesterday, Fertility Friend still hadn't recorded an ovulation date even though I got a positive on the ovulation predictor kit last Tuesday. I was convinced that I had an anovulatory cycle. I even consulted my good friend Taking Charge of Your Fertility for possible causes. Since stress is a common cause, it kind of made sense. I live and breathe stress--- high strung would be a complete understatement. Well, my temps have been very inconsistent because I was taking them at 7:15 (when my alarm went off). Then Micah started waking up around 6:00, so I've taken them anywhere from 6:00 to 8:00. When I entered my info. from today into Fertility Friend, they estimated my ovulation day to be last Wednesday. The good news is that only gives me one week to wait! I'm thinking about taking a pregnancy test on December 8th. That date actually marks the six year anniversary of my mother's death. I'm hoping for a "Big Fat Positive," but I am not sure how I would handle getting a "Big Fat Negative" on a day that will be emotionally draining anyway. I still have a week to think about it.

A Mother's Love Never Ends

This post is a little off topic, but this seems to be the best place to share. I finally had some alone time today, and I decided to spend it cleaning. Crazy, I know, but sometimes cleaning soothes me. Well, I was flipping through CDs looking for something to groove to, and I came across a CD I made right after my mom passed away. I hadn't listened to it in years--- definitely not since I had Micah. It is a CD with some of her favorite songs and songs that just make me think of her. Anyway, as I was listening to her favorite songs, I realized how strong a mother's love is. I don't think I really understood how much my mom loved me until I had my son. It hit me so hard that I had to actually sit down and let myself cry. Even though we would like another child, I am so grateful I have Micah. For those of you out there who have not had the blessing of a living child, it is my hope and prayer that your baby wishes come true. It truly is a love like no other.